No Problems

December is a tough month for my family. I am one of five kids, and two of us were lost too soon. My brother committed suicide in June of last year, and my sister has been gone for almost 11 years. Her death certificate also lists suicide, although both cases have extenuating circumstances. I guess with suicide, there always are.

Both my brother’s birthday and my sister’s are in December. Today actually, Decemeber 27, my sister would have been 48. She was a great girl, a loving person with the biggest heart, always giving away things and wanting to help people. For a large part of my life, she was my best friend, my big sister who had already been through whatever it was that was ailing me. We could talk about anything. I miss her.

My brother was single, and always came to my house for Christmas, as do my mom and dad. He would come baring armloads of gifts, the big ones for my kids, and lots of food. He was a chef by hobby, and Christmas Eve was always special with his gregarious stories, and whatever awesome food he had whipped up. He was also an incredible musician, and you never knew when some guitar pickin’ would break out. He bought me my first Jimmy Buffett album and turntable for Christmas when I was 15. I miss him.

They say there is no greater loss than that of a child, and I believe it. I experienced pain at both of those losses in my life, great pain. But my mother… There were times when her grief was so great and all consuming that whatever I was feeling was drowned out by my concern and sympathy for her. Her pain scared me.

So this time of year, while joyous for it’s reason and for my kids, is difficult. The end of December means a new year is upon us, and for added reasons in my family, gives time to pause and reflect on the importance in and of life, and the year behind us. I had some awesome times with my kids, along with some very trying ones. I had some great experiences and gut busting laughs with a significant other, and was hurt by the loss of that relationship. I have a job I love and that pays me well, that can also make demands of me which seem unreasonable. I was recently lamenting some of the woes in my life when my mom looked at me point blank and asked, "Really, Janine, what problems do you have?" Health, wonderful kids, a great job with financial stability and success, hope for a great relationship (and the realization I’m good if it doesn’t happen )… a mom who can look at me and ask that question. She was diagnosed with metastatic renal cell cancer (RCC) three years ago, so this could very well not be the case.

No problems, I have none! How lucky is that?!