What If

I was thinking about Natasha Richardson, and was reminded once again how fragile life is. One day here, on a ski getaway with her sons, and then gone. It's something that scares me... the thought of life being so tenuous. What if she would have known that in a day she would be gone? What would she have done differently? What would I do differently?

I was out on my run today, a moderate pace for an hour. I was thinking about Natasha, and what her family is going through right now. It brought me to tears. It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day chaos of living. Get up, go to work, get the kids, get dinner, clean up, homework, laundry, fit in a workout, run the kids where they need to be... run, Run, RUN. Get to bed, and do it all over again. If you knew you were going to die in a day, what would you do differently? I'm sure a lot of things, but it's too hard to think about. Even if you could come up with an answer, is it possible to "live every day like it's your last"?

Thoughts like these leave me feeling like I'm missing something... but I can't quite put my finger on it. I want my life to have some greater meaning than just being here, but I don't know what that looks like. I know my kids are great, and will be great, and who knows what contribution to society that they will make. But I have this nagging feeling that I am meant to do, or should be doing, something more. This isn't new for me; I remember talking to a friend about it about 20 or so years ago, but it's something that remains unresolved.

On thing is for sure, I feel lucky to be alive. I know I've mentioned this before, but I fell on the ice last winter while running, and cracked my head quite hard on the ice covered concrete (http://comojanine.blogspot.com/2008/12/ice-ice-baby.html). I can't imagine the head knock Natasha took was much harder than mine. I happened to be wearing a stocking cap, and thankfully fate delivered me a different blow. I am now appreciative of that fact.