Long Trip Alone

The day my brother died, he called a girl he had been dating months prior to that and asked her if she would try again. She said she cared a great deal about him, but she just didn't know what had changed that would make things any different. He told her he just wanted someone to love, and to love him. He was listening to the Dierks Bentley CD, Long Trip Alone. She said she loved him, and they could talk more about it later. Of course, that day never came; my heart went out to Deena (I love you, girl!).

I just got back from my run and was thinking about all the things I take on myself. I'm not complaining (this isn't "woe is me"), but I think all the soul wounds from my childhood make it difficult for me to trust anyone. And really, I'm not talking just about the intimate sense. From fixing my garage door opener, to taking my GPS watch apart, to fixing the crack in my basement foundation... I think I can do it myself. And not just do it, but do it just as good as (or better than) anyone else. It's kind of humorous, but when I got to thinking about it, it also has not always turned out the best. Fixing "things" is one thing, and for the most part that stuff usually turns out great (like all the things I listed above actually saved me hundreds of dollars and turned out fabulous!). But that mentality bleeds into other areas of my life, and some of the resulting decisions haven't turned out that great.

I once read that in adulthood we recreate the traumas of our childhood, in a subconscious effort to resolve them (which of course is impossible). And therein lies the cycle of abuse and dysfunction. So while I don't trust people in the tangible sense, when I probably should... I tend to trust people I probably shouldn't with my emotional well being, which inevitably leads to pain.

I guess I came full circle when thinking of my own pain, and relating to how my brother felt. Life is a long a trip alone, and I can't handle everything myself. Whenever I have tooled along without God in my life, thinking I know better and can make decisions as such, I have paid the price.

I am gravitating back to where I was a couple years ago, trusting more in God... and realizing that's a whole lot better than traveling alone.

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Long Trip Alone (Dierks Bentley)

It's a long trip alone
Over sand and stones
That lie along the road
That we all must travel down

So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold
'Cause it's a long trip alone

It's a short piece of time
but just enough to find
A little peace of mind
under the sun somewhere

So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
You know we can't afford to let one moment pass us by
'Cause it's a short piece of time

And I don't know where I'd be without you here
'Cause I'm not really me without you there

Yea, Yeah,
Yea, Yeah, Ohhhh

So maybe you could walk with me a while
Maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold

So maybe you could walk with me a while
Maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Maybe I could feel you right beside me til' I'm home
'Cause it's a long trip alone
A long trip alone